Tips for Loved Ones

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.  Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way."
(Romans 14:13)

When a loved one you know is struggling in an emotionally abusive relationship, she needs support; not judgment.  For judgment belongs to the Lord.  We can help others become stronger in their walk through encouragement in Christ.  Here are some ways you can help for her and yourself through this difficult time. 

Listen.
One of the best ways you can be there for her is to simply just listen.  She needs to sort through things for herself and may have to make decisions that will alter her life as she once knew it.  Sometimes this decision process takes time.  Be patient with her, she may also just need to vent. 

Be supportive.
She may need company going to the police station or need help with her children while attending a court case, meeting with legal counsel or just a little breathing room to decide what to do next.  Cooking a meal or baby sitting her children will help her not to worry so much.  Try to do whatever you can do to assist her. What may seem small to you may be monumental to her.  Its the small jesters that matter most sometimes.

Respect her decision.
We all have the right to make our own choices.  Since she is in the situation, she knows best how the response as a result of her decision may be.  Understand that she may not choose to handle her situation as you would if you were in her shoes.  Besides, until you've walked a mile in her shoes you don't know what she is going through.  You can only imagine.

Don't knock her while she's down.
We all can fall.  The best thing to do while she is down is to help build her back up emotionally.  Say encouraging things to negate all of the negative things she is hearing or has heard before in her relationship.  Focus on helping to restore her instead of concentrating on any abusive language.  Tell her things like "she is a conqueror", "she is victorious" and that she can overcome her situation through Jesus Christ.  Even if she can't imagine it or see past the next moment, plant God's seeds of victory in her anyway.  With the help of Jesus Christ, they can begin to take root.

Don't blame her.
Don't ask her, "why did you get involved with him" or say "you know better".  We all can make decisions that may not be good for us.  Blaming her is only going to make matters worse by bringing her spirit down even lower.  She may already feel bad and does not need for you to make her feel worse.

Be sensitive.
Keep in mind that her situation could be yours.  How she got herself involved with someone who abuses or used to abuse her verbally and/or emotionally is not what's important in the early stage of healing.  Just beginning the healing process is enough to focus on.  In many cases, most woman have experienced some sort of abuse as a child or suffer from self-esteem and self-worth issues.  Being called names and talked to in a degrading way becomes their "norm".  As a child and/or young adult they become adapted to hearing this type of language coupled with love.  They don't know any different if that's all they were used too.  The only problem is that God did not intend for us to love each other this way.  Being abused verbally and/or emotionally can bring about lower self-esteem and self-worth even in a woman who appears like she highly values herself.  Have patience with her. 

Maintain an encouraging attitude.
It is important to try to maintain your attitude.  There may be many days when your attitude is the very thing that will help her through the day as she learns how to readjust.  You must be strong for her and yourself, because you get so caught up emotionally that it is hard to separate your own feelings when your upset about what's happening or happened to her.  Continuing to meditate on God's word helps you keep a positive outlook.  You learn so much wisdom and are reminded (even if you are rereading the same scriptures) of how to love and interact with one another. 

Be there for yourself too.
Giving your support, time and energy can be time consuming.  Be sure to balance your time.  Make sure you take care of your needs too.  Sometimes, we can spend so much time helping others that we neglect ourselves in the process.  If we can not take of ourselves how can we take care of others?

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